By Leigh Evans
Alright! You find your self staring down the twin barrel of Christmas cheer while Halloween feels like it was just yesterday. How does a Horrorphile cope when the world is covered in tinsel, in-laws, and aunt Martha’s jello mold that is anything but edible? With Night Of The Horrorphile‘s first annual Christmas special headed this way I thought I’d see if I can help relieve your Christmas blues. If I have learned anything from being a horror addict it’s to think outside the box.
Lets start with the most dreaded part of the holiday: the music. You really only have maybe 15 actual Christmas songs that are repackaged over and over again for the sheer purpose of torturing our ears. As far as original festive tunes, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas (Is You)” should have been put to rest in 1994 so it’s off my list. In my opinion, the only acceptable Christmas tunes are by Elvis Aaron Presley so stick to that. Now, if you find yourself in a situation where The King isn’t on hand, find some drinking songs and call that Christmas music. Keep in mind if you do start drinking along make sure everyone does so responsibly. We wouldn’t want the kids finding Uncle Bob under the tree this year!
Speaking about Christmas trees, is there anything more clean and pure than a freshly decorated tree? Well lets corrupt that thing and get it a little more adult in here! Now don’t go putting breasts on the tree, Uncle Bob has a heart condition. Your traditional Christmas plant is pretty horrific already if you think about it. A burly guy with a chainsaw marches Leatherface-style towards a tree, hacks into it with a chainsaw until it falls over, stabs it into a water dish and the plant slowly dies while you decorate it with pretty lights. But If you must decorate according to your horror lifestyle, mannequins are always a good substitute. Grab one with the proper dimensions, wrap it into a giant black trash bag, and toss on your favorite decor. Presto, you’ve got a dead body Christmas tree! I shouldn’t have to stress this point, but please don’t wrap Uncle Bob in the trash bag if you cant find a mannequin. He’s family after all.
Family are our loved ones and our source of annoyance. Are you tired of having Christmas at your place? Are you sick of everyone’s kids licking things and running into walls? Well there is a full proof plan that will make sure you never have to host another Christmas dinner. Get your self a copy of Street Trash (1987) and create a new Christmas tradition. The family will be reconsidering plans for next year faster than you can say “hobo sexual assault.” These tips have been helpful sure, but whats the best way for a Horrorphile to celebrate the holiday?
Surround yourself with like-minded people. Horror fans have to stick together. Most folks don’t get our obsession so we belong to an exclusive family. Christmas is great, but Christmas as a horror fan is better. We have the best movies. Black Christmas (1974) could very easily replace your family favorites. While we all can’t be together in this darker than you think holiday, we are all here for one another and no one shall be alone. So if you’re alone this year during the holidays just shoot Night Of The Horrorphile a message and we’ll do our best to cheer you up, because to us you’re family. Just keep away from Uncle Bob.
From everyone here at Night Of The Horrorphile we wish you a happy holiday and a happy new year. Stay Spooky!
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One thought on “How to Have a Very Horrorphile Christmas”
Mariah Carey! Nooooooo! Street Trash? YES!!